These days, I’m knee-deep in the storytelling process — and the subject matter couldn’t feel further from truth.

I’m 30,000 words into the draft of my first book, working title: “Wanderlust on the Straight & Narrow”. Using my own stories and others’, I’m exploring how we decide to put down the maps handed to us and follow the ones written on our hearts.

The clip above is my entry for PrAna’s “Day Job to Dream Job” contest, where the winner will receive $100,000 to quit their job and pursue their passion. I continue to channel my passion into my day job, but it’s no secret that healthcare is a shit show. I used to get an emotional high from putting out fires and managing chaos. Now it only drains my energy. My adrenal system has been on strike for years and shows no signs of willingness to come to the bargaining table.

I haven’t even bothered to calculate my odds of winning. But I had enough gas in my inspiration tank to make the 3 minute film for my contest entry. Yet again, I found myself telling a story about walking through fear to follow my heart.

Talk about an inopportune time for a crisis of faith.

“Even though my experience has shown me the dots will eventually connect, what if they don’t? Or what if do, but only after I lose everything and am living under a bridge? (Maybe that’s where I’ll meet my soulmate!) ”

After the sudden departure of our President & CEO, CFO, and several other leaders I genuinely respected, my day job has required weathering weeks of upheaval. On Thursday, my own team learned it was being “re-orged”. Having weathered these storms before, I’m grateful there’s still a place for me (for now) and this is best I’ve ever done at shutting out the things I can’t control, and focusing on my actual work responsibilities.

While this is the smallest amount of additional stress I’ve heaped on myself—through pointless worry and future-tripping—I’m still exhausted. And scared.

Even though my experience has shown me the dots will eventually connect, what if they don’t?

Or what if do, but only after I lose everything and am living under a bridge? (Maybe that’s where I’ll meet my soulmate!)

I don’t know—none of us do. For today, I’m going to act as if I believe the dots will connect, and keep reaching out to the people who let me borrow their faith when mine has evaporated.

And maybe I’ll even re-watch my contest entry. So I can describe it in detail to my hobo heartthrob (my ho-beau?) when we meet.